Types of attachment styles: Modern Love edition

Unlike what society makes you believe, you can find love at any age; even in your 40’s. You may be looking for the ‘one’ or just a partner that makes you feel less lonely. There is someone out there for you, who is looking for the same things in a partner that you are. In 2021, you can go many routes when it comes to finding a partner in your 40s.

What is it like?

Dating in your 40’s is complicated. Most people in the dating pool carry a lot of emotional baggage and insecurities or some will be immature and possessive. To find the right person you need to remember some things about the dating pool:

• Define your expectations:

When you're in your forties, you should ideally know what you want and don't like in a partner. So, if you know what you want in a partner it’s going to be easier for you to look.

• The kid factor:

People frequently already have children in their 40’s or do not yet have children and feel pressed to do so. There's also the issue of raising someone else's children.

For divorced parents dating in their 40s, kids are still very much a part of their daily lives. If your partner has children, there is the added question of whether you want to be their step-parent. Generally, if children are involved, one needs to add extra effort to the relationship.

• There are a variety of age-related expectations:

Men and women, regardless of their own ages, may be searching for partners of different ages. Often it's only a matter of pride i.e. "I want to date someone younger and have a trophy on my arm". Other times, the unsettling reality is brought about by the presence of a child. Some women over the age of 40 do not want to have any more children. However, there are a lot of men in their 40s who want to have children. As a result, there are a lot of men in their 40s who want to date women in their 30s. This can give women in their 40s the impression that men their age are vain and have unrealistic expectations.

Tips for finding love in your 40’s

• Make Sure You're Both Ready to Date

Unlike dating in your twenties, by your forties, you've most definitely had a big relationship, whether marriage or a long-term relationship and the person you're dating has, too. Try to see if you and your date have already processed these relationships and are ready to move on. How can you tell if you or your date is living in the past? One red flag is when they speak negatively about their former partner. If they are unable to address it objectively or clearly see each person's part in what went wrong, it could be a warning sign that they are still not over the other person, are holding a grudge, or are at risk of repeating maladaptive behaviours in the new relationship.

• Be Independent and Interdependent

One advantage of being 40 and fabulous is that you've probably worked on yourself and are more relaxed with who you are now than you were a decade or two ago. If not, take some time to consider your dating aspirations, beliefs, and desires. Know the relationship's standards and deal-breakers without being too strict. This helps you to be an individual as well as an interdependent partner.

• Navigate Gender Stereotypes

Dating in today's world can be fraught with conflicting perceptions about gender roles. You and your partner are likely to have opposing ideas and philosophies, particularly if you're financially independent and used to being single. Discuss with your partner how they perceive gender roles and what their aspirations are. If you have a different point of view, you can determine if it is a deal-breaker or whether you can both be flexible and find a solution.

When you're over 40 and single, it's normal to have moments when you wonder if you're doing anything wrong and want reassurance from your date. But that isn't why you're there, she says. If you have low self-esteem or are dissatisfied with yourself and your situation, it would not be appealing to someone you're dating for the first time. Instead, become the kind of person you want to attract. Smile, be your best self and have fun getting to know your date.